One of the largest impacts the last five weeks has been on my relationship with my husband. The pain has caused me to be even more withdrawn than usual, I feel guilty for being tired or in pain and needing to lie down, so I start to imagine that my husband is upset with me. My guilt causes this ideation to take root and soon, even if he was not upset before, he is now frustrated from the constant “are you okay” “what’s wrong” “what can I do” questioning, and I am now worn out and feeling slightly neglected from asking him these questions instead of being cared for during my pain lapse.
Right now, reality tells me that if I expected him to take care of me or prioritize “my needs” when I have pain lapses… well, based on this lapse, I would basically always be getting attention, since this pain lapse has shown no signs of stopping.
I am not an expert on how to deal with chronic pain and relationships, I am not even a novice. I am simply someone who is recently married and had mild chronic pain before but is now dealing with a severe pain re-lapse and trying to learn how to balance my marriage with caring for my own body’s needs.
Some days I have sucked it up and went along with the day, even though I may have been in pain. He tried so very hard to take care of me and worries about me constantly – but I do not want that to be his whole life. I want him to have a fun life. I want us to have a fun life. I want us to be able to go out to dinner after work without worrying about pain levels. I would love if we could plan a weekend getaway without worrying about whether doctor visits or medical tests ate away leave time. I want us to have a normal life. Yes, I know right now it may not be the most normal because of my condition – my disease – yet, there is hope.
I received a call on Monday for an appointment with the Jacksonville Center for Reproductive Medicine – a center on the “Nancy’s Nook” approved excision surgeon list, and have an appointment next Tuesday! It is a consultation but I informed them that I was very much motivated in excision surgery to treat my endometriosis as soon as possible. Luckily, as I was preparing my medical records for the CEC, I have all my records together and will be bringing them with me. I am prepared and ready to do whatever is necessary to get this surgery so that I can fight for a semi-normal life for my family.
Tomorrow I’ll address some ways you can strike a balance between relationships and caring for yourself in a healthy manner, so check back.
As for the pain, it has progressively gotten worse. I had a barium enema performed yesterday and that made me miserable. It was about as pleasant as it sounds. Today the pain is off the charts and I am struggling to stay upright. I did go to work today, though, since I missed half a day on Monday and all day Tuesday due to the procedure. I am so thankful I worked over the weekend or I would be scrambling to catch-up right now.